Definition

Enabler defined - every time you allow someone to continue being unproductive, and you remained zipped about their dormant and idle lifestyle ... or you never give a damn about their unhealthy wayward ways whether active or passive ... don't look around  ... because you are that person!

Enablers are also those persons who try to rescue someone who has the habit of making "poor choices". Enabling is helping person in a way that feeds his dysfunction. And please stop convincing me that you are doing it out of love.  Refuse to be a safety net or a protective umbrella so this little man can grow up like a man.

The Enabler Around us

Sa lahat ng ating pagkamali, may mga tao sa ating paligid acting like pompom girls or cheerleaders.  Sila yong mga ENABLERS - to make it blunt - kahit mali yong ginagawa mo sila yong mga knights in shining armour mo who will defend you thru thick and thin. The "enablers" are giving the illusion to you that what you are doing is right kasi feeling mo ... may kakampi ka. Hindi naman sila kakampi kung mali di ba?

Pero huwag ka ... ang iba diyan sulsol lang sulsol dahil gusto lang nilang babagsak ka. Di ba sa mga bisyo ganyan, akala mo kaibigan ... naghahanap lang pala ng karamay. Sira na ang mga buhay nila ... kaya isa kang hangal na naniwala naman. Masakit isipin pero wala silang ni katiting na love sa yo ...  all they want is for you to fail at masakit ding isipin mas mahal mo sila at pinaniwalaan kaysa sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa iyo.

Gatong sila nang gatong ... ano ang pagkaiba nila sa pagiging "kunsintidor"? "Okay lang ang manigarilyo ... wala namang nakatingin." "Manghiram ka ng pera ... keri lang." "Mag-quit ka sa trabaho ... sasabihin ko kailangan mong magpahinga." Sa 24 hours na ikaw ay nakahilata ... sa lagay na yan kailangan mo pang magpahinga?

Meeting Life's Problems Up Close and Personal

People find it hard to believe, that I allow my children to experience pain and make them taste the worst pangs of their life. This is part of the doctrine called "tough love". I let them sail and go through the angry sea... so they would learn to paddle the boat and not rock them.

I just thought you couldn't get a hang of life's problems ... without running into these problems up close and personal. It is a test of courage and determination. And the person's tenacity and will to survive.

Dealing with life's problem head-on is the actual LABORATORY of your life where you apply what you learned (THEORITICAL) and that include the nuggets of information your parents have to equip you ... so you will be ready.

To All Enablers

 

A wake-up call to all enablers:

We maimed and dismembered the leg of a person who is strong enough to walk because we choose to baby or carry him.  He like that ... by the way.

Nursery Rhymes

When someone feels that he can make you an OPTION. 

Make him select from a multiple-choice QUESTION

One that doesn't include you in the EQUATION.

One way to get rid of the stigma of being an enabler is your non-  PARTICIPATION.

Eat and Run

 

Just To Remind You

 

Setting Limits

Setting limits and boundaries in a parent-children relationship is also a form of tough love. Standing up for your boundaries means standing up for your rights, feelings beliefs, and needs. If you say to your child, "No, you can't get that money ..." is quite over the top and your child will resent that.

True ...  it is a Herculean task to establish these parameters from the get-go, especially if you want children to respect these boundaries. But there will be a time when all were said and done ... you will be glad you did it. Both of you will grow ... when you were able to set boundaries (and respect it) in your relationship.

Responding To Netizen's Comments

Netizen's Comment: You have been telling us the PROS to tough love. Are there also CONS?

Response: 

Sure, tough love can be a genuine, and sincere way of showing our concern. But there is a potential drawback to tough love. The person given tough love may misconstrue your concern as a prejudicial critique of themselves, a destructive appraisal of their behavior, or they will feel we are so authoritarian, pushy, and oppressive.

Your loved ones feel they have to do something and they feel the need to correct and fine-tune all the facets of your situation. The reason why they do that is out of anxiety - when they see there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you, they become impotent and defenseless.

To avoid their helpless feelings, they become dictatorial spelling out what is lacking in you and what strategies you need to try to improve yourself. The more paralyzed they become ... the more demands they will ask from you.  Making you more frustrated.

Learn To Listen

To follow up on my response to a reader asking about the CONS of tough love:

Another CON of tough love is ... human nature made it so that people are created not to like unsolicited and unwanted sermons ... and we always hate what we hear from others. People have always that resistance to change.

But seeing your parents for instance who are suffering silently looking at you miserable ... doesn't mean you can't learn from the tough love they sent you.  Try to listen ...  and imbibe the salient nuggets of what they are telling you. Don't ignore them just because you feel frustrated or offended.  Or you resent how straightforward the way they say their commentary on how you mess up your life.  Take the weighty and pertinent points of what they say ,,, and take them into consideration.

Remember you made the problem yourself ... not them. The fact of the matter is ... they should be furious for being so cavalier and you DRAG them into your mess.

Honesty Can Be Brutal

Honesty is a form of tough love. It is important to note that parents were able to communicate in all honesty their feelings even if it meant hurting their children in the process.

Children should understand that parents are not hurting them willfully or deliberately. It comes with the territory. Honest discussions about how parents perceived them have to be said whether they like it or not. Honesty can be brutal however it is living evidence and proof of how much parents care for them and how much they want their relationship to work.

Seeing Children Through Rose Colored Glasses

We are all familiar with the old saying “Parents see their children through rose-colored glasses.” It is usually meant as an insult as parents failed to notice negative things even when warning alarms and red flags are evident.  They see things as better even though it is not. Indeed we clap our hands as they continue staying optimistic and positive ... loving their children despite their flaws. The sad reality is, we are enabling our children to continue doing wrong ... when it needs to stop.

Tough love is about setting boundaries and reminding your child of his excesses.  It is about setting limits ... a rude awakening that he needs to change.  It is overcoming challenges ... and growing stronger through adversity.

Why Resort To Tough Love?

If your parents or partners muster enough courage to give you a slice of tough love ...  recalibrate your thoughts and reframe your judgment that it is a sign of their respect for you. They love you and definitely, they don't want you to rot in the hellhole you are in. Tough love is more about holding you responsible and accountable to basic parameters of behavior.

If you are not the best version of yourself ... it takes a dose of TOUGH LOVE to snap you out of your senses and make you feel constrained and obligated to higher standards.

More Tough Love Examples

So if you are messing with drugs and your sister turned you to the police ... that is tough love. If you have been chasing skirts what more do you expect than your girlfriend giving you a break-up.

Borrowing money is a form of addiction.  So what is the best tough love model suited for you other than severing ties with you or cutting your financial aid?

Examples of Tough Love

What are examples of tough love? Tough love can be seen in these scenarios: A parent taking away your phone or deciding you were grounded for a month or giving you a curfew because you have a habit of seeing your male classmates at night. 

Or it can be seen in a concerned friend who refused to give you another drink after seeing you exploding in a violent temper resulting in your daily brush with the law!

How To Respond To Tough Love

 

7 ways to respond to genuine tough love

1. Listen to understand first. You cannot hear if you are preparing to defend your position at the same time.
2. Be open-minded. ...
3. Look at it from the other person's perspective. ...
4. Pause before replying. ...
5. Recognize your feelings. ...
6. Acknowledge the feedback. ...
7. Take it on the chin.

Points of Clarification On Tough Love

Let me clarify before the idea of tough love can be misconstrued in bizarre ways.  It is not that the parents withdraw their love and become unsympathetic, unfeeling, and cruel.

Tough love is just reminding the person messing up his life to take responsibility, blame, punishment, or accountability for his actions. The earlier he realizes his mistakes, the early is the healing process is.

Tough Love

When a person tries to do things repeatedly and does not learn any lesson from his past mistakes ... a TOUGH LOVE model is suggested by some experts.

Tough love is love and affectionate concern expressed in a stern and unsentimental manner to promote responsible behavior in a person. Tough love is about recognizing faults, overcoming them, growing stronger, realizing one's mistakes, and learning from them in the process.

Hoy ... Gising!

Mangutang ka ... tapos magtatago ka  di ba stupid yon? Kung ikaw ay nagtatago ... hindi ka makalabas ng bahay dahil ayaw mong makita ka ng inutangan mo. You eventually lose your freedom.  And the worst, ginagawa mo ang mga kasama mo na magsinungaling para sa iyo.

Hindi ba stupid yong gutom ka na tapos hindi ka puede lumabas. Mas gusto mo pang mamatay ng dilat kaysa harapin ang pagpangutang mo ... NA IKAW MISMO ANG GUMAWA.

Pinoy Commentaries

Kung may utang ka ... dapat lang naman bayaran.  Walang maraming kesyo -kesyo pa.  Mahirap ba intiendihin yon?

In the first place hindi naman siya ang lumapit sa iyo para mangutang ka. Ikaw ang lumapit ... ikaw at ang madulas mong dila. Hindi ka responsibilidad ng inutangan mo ... at iniisip mong hindi magbayad at pagtago-an siya.