Does Sara Duterte Had A Speech Writer?

 

The road to Malacañang Palace is supposed to be paved with diplomatic poise, constitutional brilliance, and an immaculate understanding of the national heritage.

But Vice President Sara Duterte has decided that the traditional resume is completely boring.

Instead, she is auditioning for the highest office in the land by systematically unleashing a series of rhetorical bombshells that leave historians, lawyers, and national security experts clutching their chests in collective panic.

If her goal is to sow absolute seeds of doubt regarding her readiness for the presidency, she isn’t just succeeding—she’s overachieving.

Her latest performance features a spectacular mashup of Philippine literature, leaving the Department of Education completely speechless.

In a passionate defense of her linguistic preferences, she declared that she always speaks Tagalog because Andres Bonifacio famously wrote: “He who does not love his own language is worse than a beast and a stinking fish.”

[ THE CELESTIAL HISTORICAL CORRECTION ]

* The Sara Timeline: Andres Bonifacio, the bolo-wielding Katipunero, took a break from the revolution to write poetic stanzas about marine biology.

* The Real Timeline: Jose Rizal wrote "Sa Aking Mga Kabata" in his youth before becoming the national hero.

* The Netizen Audit: "Does she only speak Tagalog because her English scriptwriter resigned along with her confidential funds?"

By attributing Rizal’s most famous childhood maxim to the Father of the Katipunan, Sara didn't just commit a historical gaffe—she created an entirely new genre of alternative history.

If her literary skills are experimental, her constitutional math is purely fictional.

While commenting on a corporate tax evasion case, Sara boldly and explicitly cited the "263rd Article of the Philippine Constitution."

[ THE CONSTITUTIONAL AUDIT SHEET ]

* The Actual 1987 Philippine Constitution: 18 Articles.

* The Sara Duterte Expansion Pack: 245 Additional Articles (Drafted entirely in her imagination).

Legal scholars spent days trying to figure out if she was reading the constitution of a completely different country or if she had simply unlocked a secret, hidden level of the 1987 charter that is only accessible to the Duterte family.

To fully appreciate her trajectory toward the presidency, we must review the official "Sara Duterte Portfolio of Diplomatic Decorum," a collection of statements that make international diplomacy look like a back-alley brawl:

1. -The Incident - The Designated Survivor (July 2024)
-The Public Statement - Claimed she appointed an asset to eliminate the President, First Lady, and House Speaker if a plot against her succeeded.
-The National Security Reaction -The security council immediately checked the definition of "treason" and "ambush interview etiquette."

2. -The Incident - The Cemetery Threats (October 2024)
-The Public Statement - Threatening to dig up Ferdinand Marcos Sr.'s remains and throw them into the West Philippine Sea, while imagining herself decapitating the sitting president.
-The National Security Reaction - Marine environmentalists wondered if a dictator's remains would worsen the territorial dispute with China.

3. -The Incident - The ICC Kidnapper Rants
-The Public Statement - Referred to the International Criminal Court as a gang of "kidnappers" using the term "extraordinary rendition." -The National Security Reaction - International lawyers realized she views global tribunals the same way she views a Davao barangay dispute.

No analysis of her presidential readiness is complete without mentioning her foray into children's literature.

During a legendary House budget hearing, lawmakers dared to ask why her book, Isang Kaibigan, required 10 million pesos in confidential funding.

When Representative Raoul Manuel asked the simple, standard question: "Who edited this book?" Sara looked him dead in the eye and responded: "Raoul Manuel."

[ THE SARA DUTERTE EDITORIAL WORKFLOW ]

1. Author the book yourself.

2. Request 10 million pesos in confidential funds.

3. If an opposition lawmaker asks a question, automatically appoint them as your Chief Editor on live television.

-The Philosophy of Statecraft: Let us not forget her definitive 2019 political thesis that set the tone for her entire career.

When confronted with concerns about honesty and integrity in public service during the midterm elections, she brushed the critics away with a beautiful, three-word defense of democracy: "Everybody lies."

If the presidency requires predictability, stability, and adherence to the rule of law, Sara Duterte is running a campaign that says: “What if we tried the exact opposite?”

She is running on a platform of alternative historical quotes, expanded constitutional articles, maritime cemetery relocations, and the comforting assurance that honesty doesn't matter anyway because truth is an illusion.

Before you shade her name on the ballot for President, make sure you buy a fresh copy of her history textbook.

Because under her administration, Jose Rizal didn't die in Bagumbayan—he was probably a "designated survivor" appointed by Andres Bonifacio to monitor the stinking fish in the West Philippine Sea.