I Am Running For President

 

In a move that surprised absolutely no one—except perhaps those who thought she might wait until at least the next solar eclipse—Vice President Sara Duterte has officially announced her 2028 presidential run.

While most people plan their 2028 based on whether they’ll still have a Netflix subscription, the VP is already picking out curtains for Malacañang. 

It’s a strategic masterstroke: Why answer questions about the present when you can simply live in the future?

1. The "Impeachment? I Didn't See the Notification" Strategy

Critics suggest the announcement serves as a shield against her impending impeachment trial. 

It’s a brilliant legal maneuver known as "The Temporal Pivot." 

By declaring her candidacy now, any attempt to hold her accountable for confidential funds or departmental "creative accounting" is no longer a legal proceeding—it’s "Political Persecution of a Future Leader."

• If they impeach her: They are "thwarting the will of the people".

• If they don't: She wins anyway.

It’s the political equivalent of screaming "Time out! I’m base!" just as you're about to get tagged in a game of Patintero.

2. Scaring the Congressmen:

The announcement is clearly a "friendly reminder" to the House of Representatives. 

To the congressmen currently sharpening their pens to sign an impeachment complaint, the message is loud and clear:

"Go ahead, sign it. But remember: In 2028, I might be the one signing your budget. And I have a very, very long memory."

It’s not a "threat"; it’s Future-Dated Karma. 

She’s basically telling Congress, "I’m not trapped in here with you; you’re trapped in a four-year waiting room with me."

3. The "Early Bird" Motives: Why Now?

Motive	The "Official" Reason	The "Satirical" Reality
Branding	To provide a "vision" for the nation.	To ensure her face is on every "Happy Birthday" tarpaulin until the end of time.
Fundraising	To build a grassroots movement.	To start the "2028 Piggy Bank" before the 2024 confidential funds are fully audited.
Survey Dominance	To gauge the pulse of the people.	Because being #1 in a survey 48 months early is the ultimate "flex" on LinkedIn.
Family Tradition	To continue the Duterte legacy.	Because the family group chat was getting a bit quiet.

4. The "Wolf Warrior" of Davao

Much like the Chinese diplomats Leila de Lima mentioned, the VP is enjoying the "Freedom of Speech" to campaign while everyone else is busy trying to figure out the price of onions.

 It’s a bold display of Democratic Overdrive. While other politicians are playing checkers (trying to survive the 2026 midterms), Sara is playing 4D Chess on a board that doesn't even exist yet. 

She isn't just running for President; she’s running away from the House Committee on Good Government.

5. The "Recruitment in Place." 

As Senator Lacson might observe, this early announcement is a form of "Voter Recruitment in Place." 

She’s claiming the territory of 2028 before anyone else can even plant a flag. 

It’s "Strategic Occupancy." 

If you say you’re the President enough times between now and May 2028, maybe the universe (and the Commission on Elections) will just get tired and give in.

In conclusion, the 2028 announcement is a masterful political smoke screen. 

It smells like a mixture of Davao durian and sheer, unadulterated ambition. It’s designed to make the impeachment look like a "minor speed bump" on the highway to destiny.

Gising ... Gising!

 

In the realm of Philippine politics, the upcoming 2028 presidential elections have been dubbed the "2028 Reboot," a term that cleverly encapsulates the cyclical nature of electoral processes in the country. 

As Vice President Sara Duterte prepares to hit the proverbial "New Game" button, citizens are still grappling with their 2026 electric bills, illustrating a disconcerting disconnect between political ambition and everyday realities. 

This juxtaposition serves as a reminder that while Filipinos are navigating their current challenges, politicians are already planning for future victories. 

The phrase “the future is now” takes on an ironic twist here; it suggests that in Philippine politics, time is merely an illusion—a long commercial break before the next season begins.

The phenomenon of "electoral ulit-ulit," or repetition, characterizes Filipino voting behavior as one that seemingly lacks historical awareness. 

Critics argue that voters possess a collective memory akin to that of a goldfish—easily distracted by catchy jingles and monetary incentives masquerading as transportation allowances. 

This theory invites scrutiny; rather than mere folly, this behavior can be reframed as extreme optimism. 

Despite past disappointments such as water cannons during protests or fleeting moments of unity akin to short-lived shopping deals, voters continue to embrace new candidates with fervor and hope. 

The upcoming campaign slogan “The Return of the Daughter!” mirrors an endless teleserye where shocking twists seem predictable yet elicit gasps from audiences who have witnessed every plot turn.

Moreover, this election cycle highlights an ongoing debate between perceived stupidity and high-concept hope among voters. 

Many citizens approach politicians with naiveté despite glaring controversies surrounding their track records—ranging from impeachment threats to elusive financial documents. 

Voters often interpret these red flags through rose-colored lenses: viewing aggressive rhetoric as authenticity or secretive funds as surprise parties for the nation suggests a refusal to confront uncomfortable truths about political leadership.

The criteria for selecting candidates increasingly resemble those found in entertainment rather than governance; charisma often trumps policy knowledge in voter preferences. 

In this context, platforms become mere stages for performances rather than outlines of governance strategies.

 Candidates who excel at social media antics or viral dance challenges overshadow those capable of articulating complex economic policies like tax reform—an unfortunate reality reflecting society's prioritization of spectacle over substance.

Finally, selective amnesia emerges as perhaps the most powerful tool wielded by Filipino voters—a chameleon-like ability to erase historical grievances and rebrand familiar figures into new roles every election cycle. 

This phenomenon creates fertile ground for manipulation: past misdeeds fade away under strategic marketing campaigns promising change and progress. 

As we approach 2028 with trepidation mixed with excitement, it becomes evident that history teaches us little when it comes to electoral cycles; instead, it appears we are destined for another round in this elaborate performance art known as Philippine politics.

Satire: DDS Fetish With The Marines: A Masterclass In Scriotwriting

Welcome to the latest blockbuster production from the DDS Cinematic Universe (DDS-CU). 

Their newest feature, “The 2 Million Dollar Man and the Time-Traveling Senator,” has just premiered at a press conference near you. 

It’s a bold, avant-garde piece of fiction that challenges the very fabric of linear time, basic arithmetic, and the HR records of the Philippine Navy.

The script, penned by the ever-imaginative DDS high priests and his cast of "concerned citizens," features a daring heist involving suitcases of cash (male-maleta pa ha). 

The target? Former Senator Leila de Lima.

According to this visionary screenplay, De Lima was spotted in Congress in 2024, graciously accepting bags of money from Zaldy Co. 

There is, however, a minor "continuity error" that only a buzzkill would point out: In 2024, De Lima was still very much a resident of a detention cell, and she wasn't elected to Congress until July 2025. 

But why let a calendar ruin a perfectly good character assassination? 

Perhaps the "suitcases of money" were actually portable wormholes? 

Or maybe the witnesses simply have "Prophetic Vision™," allowing them to see crimes that have not happened yet  ... in a building de Lima has not been to .... at all. 

It’s not a lie; it’s pre-emptive fan fiction.

Wait... there's another issue ... why the DDS fetish on the Marines?

One must admire the scriptwriters' absolute obsession—nay, fetish—with the Philippine Marines. It’s always an "ex-Marine" or a "disgruntled soldier" popping out of the woodwork like a tactical jack-in-the-box.

One has to wonder:

• Where is the Philippine Air Force? Are they too busy flying to participate in clandestine cash deliveries?

• What about the Army? Are their camo patterns not cinematic enough for a press conference?

• The SAF? Too busy with actual duties?

Instead, we get a returning cast of "Marines" who were either kicked out for "extracurricular villainy" or, in some cases, were never actually Marines to begin with. 

It’s a specific aesthetic—the "Eskalawag Chic." 

It’s as if the casting call specifically asked for: "Must look intimidating in a barong and possess a memory that conveniently ignores dates and physics."

The most fascinating part of this "orchestrated demolition job" is the legal strategy. 

If you had proof of a multi-million dollar bribery scandal involving the ICC and high-ranking officials, you would normally take that to a court of law.

But in the DDS-CU, the Press Conference is the Supreme Court. 

Why file a case with a judge who might ask for "evidence" or "consistent timelines" when you can just talk to a camera? 

If it’s true, why isn't Defensor and his ilk sprinting to the Ombudsman?

The answer is simple: Chaos is the goal, and disinformation is the fuel. 

And making matters worse are the "gullible" DDS audience members, where these stories become gospel the moment they hit TikTok. 

It doesn’t matter if the math doesn't add up ($2M + 2024 Prison Cell = Error 404). 

In this bizarre world, the more desperate the lie, the more "patriotic" it feels to believe it.

While the rest of the country is struggling with inflation and real-world problems, these "moneyed politicians" are busy playing Creative Writing: Sabotage Edition. 

They aren't trying to save the country; they’re trying to cover their tracks with a layer of absurdity so thick that the truth gets lost in the fog.

In conclusion: If you’re looking for a logical, fact-based investigation, you’ve come to the wrong place. 

But if you want a sci-fi thriller about time-traveling politicians and an endless supply of disgraced Marines with bags of cash, grab your popcorn. 

The script might be failing, but the desperation is award-winning.

Trillanes Three Act-Cusations

Welcome back to the latest episode of "Manila Vice: Budget Edition," where the plot lines are as thick as gravy, and the evidence is as elusive as a politician on tax day.

In this week’s cliffhanger, former Senator Antonio Trillanes IV has been cast in the role of the "Two-Million-Dollar Man"—though, unfortunately for him, he doesn't come with bionic limbs or a cool slow-motion running sound effect. 

Instead, he’s allegedly sporting a briefcase full of Zaldy Co’s cash, earmarked specifically for "ICC Tourism and Travel."

The Affidavit: A Heist Without a Movie Deal

At Club Filipino—the traditional venue for Philippine political "Truth Bombs" and really good catering—Atty. Levi Baligod dropped a script that would make Hollywood blush.

According to an affidavit by former Marine soldiers (who apparently moonlight as high-stakes couriers), they delivered $2 million to Trillanes. 

That’s roughly 115 million pesos, or, in Philippine political terms, "a modest down payment on a legacy."

Critics are asking the tough questions:

• How do you carry $2 million in cash without getting a hernia?

• Was it delivered in a duffel bag, or did they use those reusable grocery bags to be environmentally conscious?

• Does the ICC accept GCash?

The Trillanes Counter-Attack: "Lechon-Gate"

Trillanes, never one to miss a cue for a dramatic monologue, responded with the poise of a man who has been accused of everything except being "too quiet."

"I’ve faced worse!" he essentially declared. "People once said I took the last skin off the lechon at a wedding! This $2 million rumor is just the side dish to my main course of justice!"

He’s not just denying the claims; he’s filing cyberlibel cases like they’re party invitations. 

He’s suing 18 ex-soldiers, Mike Defensor, and Levi Baligod. 

At this rate, the court docket will look like a high school reunion where everyone is trying to get everyone else arrested.

The Logistics of Corruption

Let’s look at the "math" of this political thriller:

Item	Estimated Cost	Political Value
ICC Investigation	$2,000,000	Priceless (or 20 years to life)
Cyberlibel Filings	A few thousand pesos	A great way to spend a Tuesday
A Good Wi-Fi Connection	2,500/month	Essential for filing cases from the sofa
The Truth	???	Currently "Out of Stock"

The Grand Finale: A Circus Without a Tent

As the smoke clears (or just shifts to a different part of the room), we are left with a classic Philippine standoff. 

On one side, we have soldiers claiming they played "The Transporter" for a senator. 

On the other, we have a senator claiming he’s just a humble crusader who only needs high-speed internet and the sweet, sweet sound of a gavel.

Meanwhile, the Filipino public is sitting in the front row, wondering if we can get a refund on our tickets. 

We were promised a political drama, but we’re increasingly getting a "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" special where the facts are made up and the $2 million doesn't matter.

Stay tuned for next week's episode, where we discover that the money was actually hidden inside a giant balut shell, and the only witness is a karaoke machine that refuses to testify without a lawyer.

Mini Me

In this latest installment of “Genetic Engineering for Geopolitics,” we take a look at the most terrifying scientific breakthrough since the invention of sugar-free chocolate: The Duterte Clone Army.

According to Atty. Joel Butuyan, the former President, didn’t just leave behind a legacy; he literally left behind himself.

 Millions of him. It’s a bold claim that suggests the Philippine national budget wasn't just going to infrastructure, but was quietly funding a sprawling, underground laboratory where the primary goal was mass-producing a specific brand of "swagger."

The Science of the "Mini-Me"

Forget the International Criminal Court for a moment. We should be calling the Nobel Prize committee. 

If Butuyan is right, Rodrigo Duterte has achieved what the world’s top geneticists could only dream of: he has successfully converted "peace-loving citizens" into "bloodthirsty disciples" through what we can only assume is a mix of high-frequency late-night monologues and a very potent virus of "impunity."

Imagine the technical specifications of these clones:

• Standard Issue Equipment: One oversized barong, one pair of aviators, and a complete lack of patience for due process.

• Pre-Programmed Phrases: "I will kill you," "My God, I hate drugs," and "Is there any rice left?"

• Special Ability: Can withstand 48 hours of uninterrupted karaoke without losing their voice.

The Hague: Attack of the Clones

As the confirmation of charges hearing unfolds at the ICC in 2026, the atmosphere is tense. 

There is a palpable fear that at any moment, the courtroom doors will burst open and a legion of clones will swarm the judges, not with weapons, but with a series of confusing metaphors about fish and jetskis.

Atty. Butuyan’s warning is clear: these "mini-Dutertes" are everywhere. 

They’re in the Senate, they’re in the Governor’s mansion, and they’re probably at your local Jollibee, aggressively asking for extra gravy. 

The lawyer claims even Filipino expatriates in The Hague have been infected, turning the peaceful streets of the Netherlands into a scene from Resident Evil, but with more finger-pointing.

The "Truth Vaccine"

Butuyan has proposed a solution: a "Truth Vaccine." 

While most vaccines require a needle and a cold storage unit, this one is apparently delivered via "legal testimony." 

It’s an ambitious medical trial. The theory is that if a clone is exposed to enough evidence of "brazen inhumanity," their genetic programming will short-circuit, and they will suddenly remember how to use a turn signal and respect human rights.

"We need to inoculate them!" Butuyan insists. "One dose of 'Exhibit A' and two boosters of 'Witness Testimony' should clear up that bloodthirstiness right away!"

A Dystopian Masterpiece

Whether these clones are literal biological copies or just people who have watched way too many Facebook Live videos, the imagery is undeniably cinematic. 

We are no longer watching a political proceeding; we are watching a sci-fi epic where the protagonist is a mountain of subpoenas and the villain is a metastasizing "virus of impunity."

So, as we wait for the ICC’s decision, keep an eye on your neighbors. 

If you see someone suddenly develop an urge to declare war on an inanimate object or start referring to themselves in the third person as "The Punisher," don't panic. 

They might just be a clone.

(Note: The post is only a satire. Satire - the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity and actions, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.)

Senator Marcoleta and His Quest to Straighten The Crooked World

In a revelation that has shaken the foundations of Philippine governance to their very crooked roots, Senator Rodante Marcoleta has confessed a burden so heavy, so exhausting, that it practically disqualifies him from higher office. 

When asked if he intended to run as Vice President Sara Duterte's running mate in 2028, the Senator did not simply say "no." 

He issued a distress call from the frontlines of reality itself.

"Napakarami kong itutuwid ngayon," he declared. (I have so many things to straighten out now.)

This is not merely a policy statement. This is a cosmological crisis. 

According to Senator Marcoleta, the Philippines is not just suffering from corruption or inefficiency; it is suffering from a severe lack of vertical alignment. The world is bent, and he is the only man with a plumb line.

*****The Atlas Complex

Consider the sheer logistics of this mission. 

The Senator is not merely legislating; he is engaged in a one-man campaign of geometric correction. 

While other senators are busy passing laws or approving budgets, Marcoleta is reportedly running around Manila with a giant ruler, smacking crooked thoughts back into straight lines.

"Hirap na hirap ako eh," he admitted. (I'm having a very hard time.)

One can only imagine the physical toll. To "straighten out" the mistakes of the Senate, the Supreme Court, and various public institutions implies that every other branch of government is operating at a 45-degree angle of error. 

It paints a picture of a nation careening toward chaos, held back from total structural collapse only by the sheer willpower of one man from Partylist Ating Koop.

If the Senator is this tired now, one wonders how he managed to sit through committee hearings without collapsing from the weight of all the "wrongness" in the room.

***** The Hit List of the Bent

In a move that has surely sent shivers down the spines of the capital's elite, Senator Marcoleta released a partial inventory of the things requiring his immediate straightening iron. 

It reads less like a political agenda and more like a teacher's grade book after a particularly disastrous midterm exam.

-Justice Carpio: Bent. Needs straightening.

-Senator Ping (Lacson): Bent. Needs straightening.

-Commissioner Tarriela: Bent. Needs straightening.

-Executive Secretary Batongbacal: Bent. Needs straightening.

-Senator Tol (Tulfo): Partially bent. Needs partial straightening.

And we still have to mention Risa Hontiveros, Bam Aquino, Sonny Trillanes, Tito Sotto, and Kiko Pangilinan waiting in the sidelines.

The implication is staggering. These are men who have spent decades in law, enforcement, and governance. 

Yet, according to the Senator, they are all walking around spreading "mali" (wrongness) like confetti. 

It suggests that the Senator possesses a unique form of moral vision, a kind of "True Sight" that allows him to detect deviations in truth that escape the common eye.

One has to ask: Did these mistakes happen on his watch? If the Senate is full of errors requiring correction, isn't he part of the Senate? 

Or is he like a plumber who claims the pipes were already broken when he arrived, despite having lived in the house for years?

***** The 2028 Non-Denial Denial

The context of this confession is crucial. He was asked about the Vice Presidency. 

His response? "I'm too busy fixing everyone else to lead everyone else."

It is the ultimate political humblebrag. It says: "I am not running for Vice President because I am too busy doing the Vice President's job, plus the Supreme Court's job, plus the Senate's job, plus the job of every public official who ever made a mistake."

He forgot to include his lawyering job for the Discayas ... and being the protector of the Chinese embassy.

By claiming he is too preoccupied with correcting the errors of Justices and Senators, he subtly positions himself as the only competent adult in the room. 

Why vote for him in 2028 when he is already doing everyone's job for free in 2024? 

It's a brilliant strategy. If he wins, he can say he reluctantly accepted the burden. 

If he loses, he can say he was too busy saving the nation from itself to campaign.

***** The Danger of a Straight World

However, citizens should be wary of what happens if Senator Marcoleta succeeds. If he manages to "ituwid lahat ang mga mali" (straighten out all the wrongs), what will be left?

A world without errors is a world without flexibility. 

If Justice Carpio is straightened, will he still be able to turn his head? 

If Senator Ping is straightened, will he lose his characteristic squint? 

There is a risk that in his quest for perfect alignment, the Senator might straighten the country right into a rigid stick, devoid of the beautiful, chaotic curvature that makes Philippine politics so... lively.

***** A Hero's Exhaustion

For now, we must respect the Senator's exhaustion. "Dito ngayon ako abalang-abala," he said. (I am very busy right here.)

He is not interested in the Vice Presidency. He is not interested in power grabs. 

He is too busy wielding the metaphysical broom of truth, sweeping up the dust of errors left by Justices and Senators alike.

So, let us wish him luck. He has a tall order. He plans to fix the Senate, the Court, and the Executive branch single-handedly.

And he thinks that is hard? Just wait until he tries to fix the traffic on EDSA.

Until then, the 2028 election remains open. 

Unless, of course, the Senator decides that the ballot boxes themselves are slightly crooked and need to be straightened out too.

The 2028 Reboot: Because Every Horror Movie Deserves A sequel

Just when you thought it was safe to delete your news apps, Vice President Sara Duterte has officially hit the "New Game" button on the 2028 Presidential Elections. 

While most people are still trying to figure out how to pay their 2026 electric bills, the VP is already measuring the curtains in Malacañang—proving that in Philippine politics, the future is now, and the present is just a long, awkward commercial break.

Critics are already calling it a "trap," but let’s be honest: in the Philippines, we don't just fall for traps; we build resorts around them and give them a 4.5-star rating on TripAdvisor.

1. The National Pastime: Electoral "Ulit-Ulit"

There is a theory that Filipino voters have the collective memory of a goldfish... specifically a goldfish that has been distracted by a very catchy campaign jingle and a ₱500 "transportation allowance."

We don't just repeat history; we remaster it.

• The 2016 Era: "Change is coming!" (Spoiler: It came, it saw, it used a lot of water cannons).

• The 2022 Era: "Unity!" (Unity lasted roughly as long as a Shopee 'Buy 1 Get 1' deal).

• The 2028 Era: "The Return of the Daughter!"

It’s like an endless teleserye where the villain is revealed to be the long-lost twin of the previous hero, and the audience still gasps in surprise even though they’ve seen all 4,000 episodes.

2. The "Stupidity" vs. "High-Concept Hope" Debate

Lamenting the "stupidity" of the Pinoy voter is so 20th century. Let’s rebrand it! It’s not "folly"; it’s Extreme Optimism. 

It takes a special kind of courage to look at a politician’s track record—full of controversies, impeachment threats, and "confidential" receipts that are harder to find than a parking spot in BGC—and say: "You know what? This time, I’m sure they mean it when they say they love me."

Red Flag	Voter Interpretation
Impeachment Trial	"They're just jealous of her charisma."
Confidential Funds	"It’s a surprise party for the nation! We just haven't been invited yet."
Aggressive Rhetoric	"She’s so authentic! It’s like being shouted at by my own Tita."

---

3. The Variety Show Mandate

Why vote for someone who can explain the Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) Law when you can vote for someone who can win a TikTok dance challenge?

In the Philippines, a platform is just that wooden thing candidates stand on to sing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang. 

If a candidate can't do a split or at least tell a joke about their opponents' "weakness," are they even qualified to lead a nuclear-adjacent nation? 

We don't want a "President"; we want a Season Finale.

4. Selective Amnesia: The Ultimate Superpower

The Filipino voter has mastered the "Delete History" button.

• Year 1: "We are being bullied at sea!"

• Year 3: "Wait, who is bullying us again? Was it the guys who gave us those cool bridges?"

• Year 6: "I miss the old guys. They were 'tough'."

This chameleon-like ability to forget past misdeeds ensures that every election is a Rebranding Festival. 

It’s the only time a "Wolf Warrior" can put on a Barong, smile for a selfie, and suddenly become a "Guardian of the People."

The 2028 Warning Label

If history is a teacher, the Filipino classroom has a serious "cutting classes" problem. 

We are currently standing at the edge of the 2028 "trap," and we’re already arguing about who gets to hold the camera while we jump.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Philippine Politics is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a dance number."