The Senate Box-Office Bomb of 2026

It has been a week now since we witnessed the Senate fiasco ...a planned Senate takeover that goes so horribly wrong that it becomes a public disaster or flop.

This review may already be late because we are waiting for additional chips to complete the puzzle ... but hey ... huli man at magaling naihabol pa rin.

The Davao-Cayetano Cinematic Universe (DCCU), where the scripts are sloppy, the continuity errors are glaring, and the special effects are just unpolished and were hurriedly made.

Following last week's "Great Senate Siege," critics, film buffs, and casual onlookers are collectively face-palming (covering and burying their face in their palm..

The consensus is clear: if the self-proclaimed "Ambassador of Jesus Christ"—Senate President Alan Peter Cayetano—was going to stage a high-stakes legislative thriller, he should have at least consulted his director-brother, Lino Cayetano.

Maybe then the plotlines would actually hold water and become believable.

Instead, we got a box-office bomb that was a monumental train wreck. It makes B-movies look cheaper, lacking in budget.

Let's review the most ridiculous plot holes in last week's performance.

Plot Hole #1: The "Terrifying" NBI Driver and His Backpack
According to the Majority’s official script, the Senate was being violently besieged by hostile foreign invaders.

-The Reality: The "hostile force" was literally an NBI driver who left his backpack inside the building. He even politely texted Senate security beforehand, saying, "Excuse me, boss, can I pick up my bag?"

-The Strategic Inversion: The Majority senators panicked and claimed they were under attack by the GSIS security guard.

Meanwhile, the CCTV footage clearly shows the GSIS guard padlocking their own doors from the inside—not the other way around ... like storming the Senate.

All they wanted was to keep the Senate’s chaotic cast from spilling over, and to make sure Bato didn't run into their building!

Plot Hole #2: Senator Imee’s Sci-Fi "Drilling" Fantasy
Senator Imee Marcos (the perennial bearer of bad or fake news took the microphone to add a touch of sci-fi horror, frantically claiming that the NBI was "drilling through the Senate walls" to breach the perimeter and assassinate them.

-The Satire: Someone needs to tell Imee that the NBI carries badges and warrants, not industrial-grade mining drills. She capsuled the performance by reportedly crying, "They are killing us! Declare Martial Law already!"

-The Nostalgia: You have to admire the brand consistency. If a faucet leaks in the Senate, the immediate family reflex is to declare Martial Law.

Plot Hole #3: The "Magic" 32-Shot Warning to the House Lizards
When the House messengers delivered the Impeachment papers, the OSAA (Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms) suddenly discharged 32 rounds into the hallway.

[ THE SENATE SECURITY RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ]
1. See an official Law Enforcer with an ICC warrant.
2. Do not talk to them, ask for ID, or check the paperwork.
3. Immediately fire 32 rounds into an enclosed plaster ceiling.
4. Hope the ricochet hits a gecko and not a CNN reporter.

-The Ballistics Blunder: Do these lawmakers not know that
CCTV, ballistics, and paraffin tests exist? Every single
corner of that building has a camera. You can’t fire 32 rounds into a ceiling and claim "incoming fire" when the bullets are traveling straight up.

-The Safety Hazard: Firing a weapon in an enclosed concrete
hallway is a masterclass in stupidity. It’s called ricochet. They
could have easily hit the media or the staff, all to create a tactical loud noise to distract from a document delivery.

Plot Hole #4: The Edited "Staircase Run" Videotape
Enter Senator Jinggoy Estrada, who reportedly suggested, "Hide the CCTV!" Well, they didn't hide it, but they certainly edited it.

The Missing Scenes: The Majority chose to cut the footage of two female NBI agents politely trying to hand Bato Dela Rosa the warrant, and the subsequent moment Bato allegedly shoved them aside.

-The Directorial Backfire: Instead, they chose to broadcast the footage of Bato sprinting up the back stairs like a contestant on The Amazing Race.

If they thought this made him look like a heroic martyr, they failed the vibe check. He just looked like a lawmaker running at top speed away from accountability.

Plot Hole #5: The Punctuality Conspiracy
Finally, Alan Peter is still trying to push the narrative that the Minority bloc—Risa, Bam, Kiko, and Sotto—are part of a grand conspiracy because they weren't in the building when the guns went off.

The Logic: The session adjourned at 5:58 PM. The shots happened at 7:40 PM.

The Verdict: Alan, if a workplace closes at 6:00 PM, people go home! That’s not a conspiracy; that’s called "having a life." If anyone is part of a conspiracy, it’s the Majority senators who stayed behind, ordered catering, sat around with Jonvic Remulla, and waited for the "staged" fireworks to begin.

The "DuDirty 13" tried to give us a Hollywood blockbuster about a constitutional siege. Instead, they gave us a comedy of errors where the characters shoot their own ceilings, run away from women carrying paper, and blame the people who left early to eat dinner.

Next time you stage a Senate coup and a fake firefight, Alan, let Lino write the script. Because right now, the only thing you’ve successfully "assassinated" is the country's remaining brain cells

Bishops and Priests Gave A Thumbs Down Review on Alan Peter C. Gospel

 

The top-performing production of the year, “The Holy Gavel of Alan Peter,” has just received a scathing, unanimous zero-star review from the entire Catholic Hierarchy throughout the entire archipelago.

On Sunday, May 17, 2026, bishops and priests across the Philippines did something truly revolutionary: they read the actual Bible, looked at the Senate President, and collectively called out the most elaborate Religious Theater in modern political history.

For years, Alan Peter Cayetano has enjoyed using the Senate floor as his personal evangelical stage, dropping Bible verses like tactical smoke grenades (canister-type pyrotechnic devices designed to produce a dense cloud of smoke) to cover up leadership coups.

But last Sunday, the real shepherds of the flock decided they had seen enough of the counterfeit (a person or something made in exact imitation of a genuine and the real thing.

Example ... a person masquerading as devout, God-fearing, and religious with the intent to deceive and trick people into believing a fake person.

-The Pastoral Review: The clergy did not mince words. They didn't write as partisans; they spoke as Christians who are deeply, profoundly tired of watching the Gospel being treated like a political prop.

-The Satire: It turns out, when you spend a week quoting Scripture to justify smuggling an international fugitive into a building inside your personal SUV ... the guy in the vestments at the altar notices.

The Church essentially told Alan: "Prayer is a lifestyle, Senator, not an audition for a 2028 election campaign."

Let’s look at the script of Alan’s 7-day masterpiece.

-The Dramatic Monologue: Last week, Cayetano stood before the cameras, clutching his pearls, and weeping that the Senate was “under attack!” He invoked the Almighty, prayed for protection, and pointed fingers at the Minority.

-The Plot Twist: Then the SOCO ballistics report came out. It revealed that the "attackers" were actually the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms (OSAA) firing warning shots upward into their own ceiling.

-The Holy Translation: You cannot claim the temple is being besieged by demons when it’s your own altar boys discharging 5.56mm ammunition into the roof.

To speak the language of faith while fabricating a security crisis is what the Church called "religious theater."

Jesus warned about those who honor God with their lips while their hearts—and their security details—are busy staging a firefight.

Then came the "now you see him ... now you don't," miracle of Senator Bato dela Rosa. Alan has a 3-Step Divine Playbook for that.

1. Fabricate a non-existent legal concept called Protective Custody.

2. Cite a Bible to explain why a fugitive shouldn't face justice.

3. Watch the fugitive mysteriously vanish into thin air anyway.

-The Vanishing Act: Alan Peter draped the Senate's "holy protection" over Bato to shield him from the ICC, only for Bato to pull a Houdini and slip out of the country via NAIA Terminal 3 with Robin Padilla.

-The Moral Crisis: The Church pointed out the obvious: invoking God while actively protecting an architect of mass murder from scrutiny isn't a "Christian witness"—it grieves the Holy Spirit. You can’t sing Amazing Grace while acting as the logistics manager for a getaway car.

The Bishops issued a new set of guidelines specifically tailored for the Cayetano Ministry:

Stop using Scripture as a shield for arrogance, deception, and the evasion of accountability.

Stop wrapping questionable conduct in religious language. (e.g., Calling a political coup a "divine transition.")

Remember that the word forthwith is in the dictionary, not just in the book of Revelations, and it means now, not when it's safe for Sara.

The Filipino people do not need a Senate President who behaves like a televangelist selling miracle water before the media. They need a leader whose conduct reflects the God he publicly proclaims.

If Alan Peter truly fears God, the instructions from the pulpit are clear: Humble yourself. Tell the truth. Submit to accountability. Honor the rule of law. And most importantly, stop treating the Holy Bible like it’s a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for the Davao Mafia.

History has a much longer memory than a Facebook Live broadcast. And as any priest will tell you, no amount of holy water can wash away the gunpowder residue left on the Senate ceiling.