Satire Dream: I Was The Correspondent of A Local YV Station Covering Jesus Last Words

I was in Golgotha in my dream, circa 33 AD. Jesus hangs on the cross, looking less than thrilled. 

A crowd of Roman soldiers and assorted onlookers mill about, mostly bored.

Jesus: (Straining) Father... forgive them... for they know not what they do...

(I was there firsthand ... inexplicably present, and scratching my head and muttering)

Butch John Jason: Uy, wait lang Jesus. Hold up. "They know not what they do?" With all due respect, Lord, but I think you got the wrong crowd.

(Jesus looks down, confused.)

Jesus: What do you mean? They're crucifying me! Surely they don't understand the gravity of their actions!

Butch John Jason (Scoffs) Gravity? Lord, these guys? They're pros! They know exactly what they're doing.

(I pull out a smartphone and scroll through a news feed.)

BJJ: Look, this centurion here? He's got a side hustle selling indulgences. And that guy over there? He's spreading fake news about you being a communist. They even got Pilate on payroll!

Jesus: (Eyes widening) Fake news? Indulgences? Pilate's corrupt? But... but I thought they were just following orders!

BJJ: (Shaking his head) Lord, you're too good for this world. These guys are playing 4D chess with people's lives. They're gaslighting the masses, stealing from the poor, and rewriting history faster than you can say "Resurrection."

(At this point, I showed Jesus a meme.)

BJJ: See? They're even making memes about you! "Jesus: Fake News Victim." Can you believe it?

Jesus: (Sighs) So... they do know what they're doing?

BJJ: Lord, they're practically experts! They've got think tanks, PR firms, and a whole army of trolls dedicated to spreading misinformation. They're not ignorant; they're malicious!

Jesus: (Rubbing his temples) This is... more complicated than I anticipated.

(He pauses, then speaks with newfound resolve.)

Jesus: Okay, new plan. Father... forgive them... because they know exactly what they're doing, and they're doing it anyway. And maybe, just maybe, send a lightning bolt to their social media accounts. Amen.

(Hearing that, I was nodding approvingly.)

BJJ: Now that's the Jesus I know! Laban!

(The Roman soldiers, completely oblivious, continue hammering nails. They didn't even know I was starting a Facebook live stream.)

BJJ: Guys, you won't believe what's happening up here. If you won't believe it ... check it out yourself!