Can We Trust Cayetano With The Impeachment?

As of now, the Senate of the Philippines, which, as of May 11, 2026, has been officially christened and saddled with satirical monikers and sobriquets by some proactive Facebook netizens, is so amusing that I was almost in tears from laughing.

These names are: Bato-Bahayan (referring to playing house or bahay-bahayan and his possible long-term stay in the Senate) ... Senate Hotel and SPA (highlighting the accommodation provided to him), Fortress Bato (referring to the lockdown and protective measures)...Taob Senate (A pun on "Bato" and "taob" (overturned), suggesting the minority became the majority when it flipped because of his unexpected homecoming.)

And not only that, following Alan Peter Cayetano's election as Senate President, social media users and critics have humorously and cynically labeled the upper chamber with nicknames highlighting his dramatic style and frequent Bible quoting.

Common nicknames include The Holy Chamber (referring to his Bible-quoting reputation (The House of 13 Disciples) in reference to the 13 votes that secured his position,

The vote was 13-9-2. A thin majority, sure, but in the world of Alan Peter, "thin" is just another word for "I can work with this as long as nobody mentions 2019."

If you’re wondering whether the Senate is "safe" in his hands, just remember: those are the same hands that once slammed a phone on a desk while shouting profanities at a colleague over a barangay dispute.

Let’s look at the "Natural History" of the Cayetano Presidency. It required a miracle.

-The Specimen: Senator Bato dela Rosa, who had been "extinct" from the Senate for six months—presumably hiding in a crawlspace to avoid the ICC—suddenly reappeared.

-The Event: On the exact same day the House impeached Sara Duterte (again), Bato walked in, smelling mothballs (specifically Naphthaline balls) and panic, to cast the deciding vote for Alan Peter.

-The Claim: Cayetano told the press, with the straightest face in political history, that this had "nothing to do with Sara's impeachment."

-The Satire: Of course it didn't! It was just a coincidence. Bato just happened to wake up that morning, realize he missed the smell of the Senate's hard-driving tempo, and decided to vote for the one guy who treats the Duterte family like a hallowed devotional item. It’s a "Gentleman’s Agreement" between a man avoiding a warrant and a man who treats agreements like disposable napkins.

If you want to know if Alan Peter will honor the "forthwith" transmission of the impeachment, just ask Lord Allan Velasco.

-The 2019 Flashback: Remember the 15-month term-sharing deal? Rodrigo Duterte himself brokered it. When the 15 months were up, Alan Peter suddenly developed "Power-Induced Amnesia." He held onto the Speakership like a barnacle on a ship, even stalling the national budget during a pandemic.

-The Verdict: Even Duterte called him swapang (greedy). When the man who literally invented the "Davao Style" of politics calls you greedy, you know you’ve reached a level of avarice that should be studied by NASA.

If you want to see how "neutral" and "composed" our new Senate President is, just watch the video from September 2024.

-The Plot: Alan Peter wanted to expand his family’s political bloodline in Taguig. Senator Migz Zubiri asked for a caucus.

-The Reaction: Alan Peter didn't offer a logical rebuttal; he offered a "P*tangina." He slammed his phone. He had to be physically restrained by his own sister.

-The Satire: If he gets that violent over a few barangays in Taguig, imagine his reaction when the Articles of Impeachment for Sara Duterte—his "Queen"—arrive at his desk. He won't just slam a phone; he’ll throw a laptop like his idol, or a TV perhaps, or better still, a teleprompter for an added impact.

To convict Sara, you need 16 votes. To acquit, you only need 9. Alan Peter is sitting on a "Duterte Bloc" of 13.

-The Strategy: Cayetano says the Senate will convene "forthwith."

-The Reality: In Alan-Speak, "forthwith" means "as soon as I figure out a legally unfounded motion to send this back to the House."

He did it in June 2025 as Minority Leader. Now that he has the gavel, he’s not just a "player" in the game; he’s the guy who owns the stadium and can turn the lights off whenever the other team starts winning.

Another thing .... Alan Peter tells us he believes in the "sanctity of life" and "due process."

-The Track Record: This is the same man who went on Al Jazeera in 2017 to tell the world that every single person killed in the drug war was a criminal. He was the "International Spokesperson for EJKs."

-The Satire: He’s like a vegan who spent ten years running a steakhouse and now wants to lead the Animal Rights committee. His "constitutional fidelity" is a costume he wears whenever there’s an ICC warrant in the room.

Is the Senate safe in the hands of a man who breaks deals, screams profanities at colleagues, and owes his position to a fugitive Senator?

If the "Window to the Soul" of the Senate is Alan Peter Cayetano, then the Senate currently looks like a house with the blinds drawn, the doors bolted from the inside, and a "No Trespassing" sign written in Greek.