The Senate Obituary Section

I hate mentioning cemeteries or memorial parks in my post... it just gives me the creeps.

But no matter how I tried to avoid it... the Senate, formerly known as the upper chamber of the Philippine legislature, has done nothing but graveyard work.

As of May 11, 2026, the Senate has officially pivoted from "Law-Making" to "Funeral Directing."

With the rise of the "DuDirty 13" majority—a bloc so tightly knit they probably share a single Netflix password and a communal "Get Out of Jail Free" card—the legislative agenda has become a graveyard.

If you were looking for progress, accountability, or transparency, we suggest you check the nearest kangkungan, because in this Senate, the only thing being "served" is the interests of the Besties.

1. The Anti-Political Dynasty Bill (RIP: 1987–2026)
Senator Risa Hontiveros’ Anti-Political Dynasty Bill has finally been laid to rest. After decades of being ignored, it was officially smothered by a majority composed of people whose last names are literally their only qualification.

-The Irony: Trying to pass an Anti-Dynasty Bill in a Senate where the Cayetanos, the Villars, and the Marcoses hold the gavel is like trying to sell a "No Dogs Allowed" sign to a kennel owner.

-The Eulogy: "It lived a long, ignored life. It is survived by five brothers, three cousins, and a daughter-in-law currently running for Governor."

2. The CADENA Bill (Kadena-locked and Buried)
Bam Aquino’s CADENA Bill—designed for budget transparency—has been successfully "de-linked."

-The Satire: Why would a majority led by the "Proponents of Privacy" want a transparent budget?

If the public can see where the money goes, how can we maintain the "Confidential" mystique?

The CADENA bill wasn't just killed; it was locked in a vault, and the key was given to a man who thinks "Accounting" is a form of political persecution.

3. The Flood Control Report (Swept Away)
Ping Lacson’s Flood Control Report, which promised to expose ₱500-billion anomalies, has been "washed away" by the very people it was trying to investigate.

-The Maneuver: Seven senators signed it, but they needed nine. And since the "DuDirty 13" are currently busy building a "Sanctuary" for their friends, they don't have time to sign reports about missing billions.

-The Weather Report: "Expect heavy flooding in the National Treasury, with a 100% chance of accountability being submerged indefinitely."

4. The Marcoleta Contribution Probe (Case Closed by "Friends")
The investigation into Rodante Marcoleta’s campaign contributions has been declared "miraculously clean."

The Logic: In the new Senate, we don't investigate our colleagues; we nominate them for leadership positions.

Investigating a campaign contribution in this bloc is like investigating a priest for liking incense and holy water—it’s just part of the "system."

When the Senate President owes his gavel to a fugitive Senator (Bato) who sprinted through the halls to cast a vote, you know the "Rule of Law" is in the ICU.

-The Triage: The Senate is no longer a "check and balance." It is a checked and Balanced bank account.

-The Diagnosis: We aren't just losing bills; we are losing the "Impartial Justice" promised in the Senatorial Oath.

The only thing "Neutral" in the Senate right now is the gear they’ve put the country in—Neutral, while the car rolls backward down a cliff.

The "DuDirty 13" have turned the Senate into a fortress. It’s not just the impeachment trial that's in trouble.

And the idea that the Senators work for the people is now considered untrue, as the people's trust in the institution and its senators has eroded.

If you want a bill to pass in 2026, make sure it’s titled "The Presidential Besties Protection Act" or "The Biblical Justification for Confidentiality."

It will surely have the majority's vote. Otherwise, any other bills ... it’s going straight to the crematorium.

The Many Accusations of Alan Peter Cayetano

 

It is Sunday, and it's Church Day. And with that in mind, we are back to the Senate Sanctum of Semantic Splendor, where our newly anointed Senate President, Alan Peter Cayetano, has just dropped his latest theological-political thesis on Friday, May 15, 2026.

Following a literal shooting incident inside the Senate, Alan Peter did what any "Ambassador of Christ" would do: he grabbed the microphone, pointed his finger at the Minority, and asked the ultimate deep, philosophical question: “Since when did changing a Senate President become a crime?”

1. Alan Peter is genuinely offended that people are linking his sudden, Bato-assisted rise to power with the current atmosphere of absolute chaos.

-The Logic: In the Dictionary, according to Cayetano, staging a coup on the exact day of a Vice Presidential impeachment, bringing a fugitive senator out of a six-month hibernation to cast the deciding vote, and replacing Tito Sotto is just "standard office reorganization."

It’s like switching the coffee brand in the pantry. Why is everyone making a big deal out of it?

-The Satire: To ask "When did it become a crime?" is a stroke of rhetorical genius.

No, Alan, it’s not a crime in the Revised Penal Code. But usually, when a bank gets robbed, people look at the guy who suddenly bought a sports car the next day.

You can't change the locks on the building, watch the windows shatter, and then ask, "Why is everyone blaming the new locksmith?"

2. In a spectacular display of psychological projection that deserves an Olympic medal, Cayetano accused the Minority of being obsessed with 2028 and political ambition.

-The Accusation: “To those of you in the minority, 2028 is more important to you. The Senate Presidency is more important to you than the lives of your colleagues!”

-The Irony: This is coming from a man who has run for Vice President, dreamed of the Presidency, held the Speakership, held the Senate Presidency, and treats the year 2028 like it’s the promised land.

He is accusing Risa Hontiveros and Bam Aquino of being power-hungry because... they went home at 5:58 PM instead of staying behind to film content during a security breach.

3. Alan Peter is also deeply hurt by the narrative that the Senate became a chaotic circus only after he took the gavel.

-The Defensive: “But you're willing to join the narrative… to say that since I got there, magulo ang Senate?”

-The Reality Check: Let’s look at the timeline. Before May 11: the Senate is relatively quiet, debating bills, doing hearings.

After May 11: Coup d'état, Bato sprinting up the stairs to escape the NBI, a hostage-like "Sanctuary" protocol, and literal gunshots echoing during a Majority caucus on May 13.

-The Verdict: Correlation does not equal causation, Alan, but you have to admit—the "vibes" changed the exact moment you sat in that chair.

It’s like a guy walking into a room, the building immediately catching fire, and him saying, "Oh, so you're just going to blame me because I’m holding a flamethrower?"

4. Cayetano also claims the Minority doesn't care about the lives of Senate employees. This is a fascinating take from the same man who defended the "sanctity of life" during the Drug War by telling international media that 7,000 dead bodies were just "properly scrutinized police operations."

Now, he’s deeply concerned about the trauma of the majority caucus that was reportedly enjoying a jovial dinner with Jonvic Remulla while the chaos unfolded.

The Final Script -According to SP Cayetano, the sequence of events is perfectly normal, legal, and holy.
You execute a coup.

The building descends into an absolute security nightmare.

You blame the people who weren't even in the room for "prior knowledge" and "ambition."

You cite a Bible verse.

Changing a Senate President isn't a crime. But pretending that a political power-grab to protect a dynasty has "nothing to do with politics" is a felony against the intelligence of the Filipino people.

Changing a Senate President isn't a crime. But after hell broke loose, and having your words and your thoughts peppered with nothing but Biblical, that will make a bishop or a priest listening turn crimson.

What is more infuriating is having photos kneeling down as if you are the new ordained senator ... and decorating your office with Psalm 23:4 is just too cringey for comfort.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

There!