VP Sara Was a No-Show

Alright, let's dissect this political theater with a healthy dose of satire, shall we?

Headline: Sara Duterte Skips Impeachment Hearing: "Too Busy Saving the World to Bother with Accountability!"

The stage was set. The popcorn was popped. 

Political junkies across the nation eagerly awaited the "Bloodbath" – Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C, all rolled into one juicy impeachment hearing. 

But alas, the star of the show, Sara Duterte, was a no-show.

"Avoidance is key!" her 16 (yes, sixteen) lawyers probably chanted in unison, while simultaneously polishing their briefcases. 

After all, why face the music when you can crank up the volume on your "I'm too busy helping people" mixtape?

"If she's so confident in her innocence," the pundits pondered, "why not waltz right into that hearing and clear her name? 

It's like the ultimate trust-building exercise for a future presidential hopeful!" 

But apparently, transparency and accountability are just suggestions, not requirements, in the Sara Duterte handbook.

"Helping the Filipino people is my priority!" she declared in a carefully crafted statement, probably while signing autographs and posing for selfies.

Because, you know, answering questions about alleged transgressions is totally not part of helping the nation. 

It's like saying you're too busy baking a cake to bother with washing your hands.

"If the evidence is so weak," her supporters argued, "then she should show up and prove it!" 

But why bother with logic when you can just issue a statement and hope everyone forgets about the whole thing?

 It's the political equivalent of hiding under the covers and hoping the monster goes away.

And let's not forget the Supreme Court! 

Ah, yes, the last bastion of hope for politicians in a pickle. 

"SC justices," we implore, "please, oh please, don't let your appointments cloud your judgment! 

Remember, you owe your allegiance to the people, not to the political overlords who put you there!" (Good luck with that, by the way.)

But the real question remains: Where was the "Bloodbath"? 

Where was the showdown of epic proportions? 

Turns out, it was just another case of political hot air. 

Less talk, fewer mistakes, indeed.

And the best part? It's not even April Fool's Day yet, but Sara Duterte is already playing us for fools!

The Fake News Factory

Alright, buckle up, because we're diving headfirst into the wacky world of Davao's First Family, where the truth is as bendable as a politician's promise!

Let's go to Davao: Where Fake News is a Family Value!

In a land far, far away (okay, it's just Davao), a certain political dynasty reigns supreme. 

They're like the Kardashians, but instead of CONTOURING, they're masters of CONTORTIING the truth.

Our story begins with Inday Sara, the Iron Lady of Davao, who apparently believes the current administration is as capable as a toddler trying to assemble IKEA furniture. 

"Can they even send planes to the Middle East?" she wondered aloud, her eyebrows arched as she could not hide her frown because of the snail-paced response from the admin. 

"Back in my day," she reminisced, "we were airlifting Davaoenos like it was a scene from a Bond movie during COVID!" 

Never mind the inconvenient truth that maybe, just maybe, things weren't exactly as she remembered.

Then there's Baste (or was it Polong? Honestly, they're interchangeable at this point), who channeled his inner international diplomat into action. 

"We called China!" he declared, as if dialing up Xi Jinping on his personal cell was as easy as ordering Chowking. 

"While everyone else was busy criticizing the Chinese president (Tarriela and the senators included), China was busy saving our OFWs!" What an irony.

Because, you know, nothing says "benevolent global superpower" like doing corporal works of mercy and swooping in to rescue stranded workers while simultaneously building artificial islands in disputed territories.

And let's not forget the oil! 

Oh, the sweet, sweet crude! One of the Duterte sons (again, take your pick) proudly announced that Brunei was showering Davao with black gold. 

"Davao is so lucky!" people from Batanes and Tuguegarao exclaimed.

Too bad it turned out to be as real as a unicorn riding a leprechaun.

But wait, there's more! Enter VP Inday Sara, the self-appointed critic-in-chief. 

She's like the back-seat driver who constantly yells, "Turn left! No, right! You're doing it wrong!" 

She lectures BBM on the importance of Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C, conveniently forgetting that her own administration treated due process like a suggestion box.

Why does she see BBM's "faults" (air quotes firmly in place) but not her own? 

It's a mystery for the ages! It's like asking a cat why it knocks things off shelves – some things are just beyond human comprehension.

And the best part? When called out on her… shall we say, embellishments… she pulls a Houdini and vanishes behind a cloud of denials. 

"Who, me? Threaten the President? Never!" she exclaims, while simultaneously winking at the camera.

So, there you have it: the Duterte dynasty, where fake news is just another tool in the political toolbox. 

They're not just chips off the old block; they're the whole darn lumberyard! 

And in Davao, the truth is whatever they say it is. 

With your permission, I need to fact-check this entire post and review the receipts. 

I hate being the bearer of fake news