Robin Padilla Is Slick and Slippery

Robin Padilla Joins the Ivy League of Political Slickness

Move over, Alan Peter. Step aside, Chiz. There is a new graduate from the School of Supreme Political Slickness, and he goes by the name of Senator Robinhood Padilla.

For years, critics laughed at Robin, thinking he was just a loud, flashy action star who suggested cable cars for traffic and accidentally fell for Facebook privacy hoaxes. 

But his latest press statement has proven that Robin has completed his metamorphosis. He has officially achieved "Slick Level 99," mastering the art of looking at a camera with an innocent, boyish grin and explaining away a midnight fugitive smuggling operation as a routine carpool.

Let us review the script of Robin’s latest blockbuster monologue, where he explains why he drove Senator Bato Dela Rosa out of a locked-down, bullet-riddled Senate at 2:30 in the morning.

According to Robin, the midnight departure had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the House of Representatives had just transmitted an impeachment cargo, or that international warrants were flying around. No, it was because of the highest authority in the land: Mariel Rodriguez.

"Thursday morning, there were so many police inside. There was SWAT, the CIDG was investigating, so everything was okay... I said, 'Buddy, I'm going home first, because my wife is looking for me.'"

-The Satire: This is an incredible cinematic twist. An ex-convict, military-mutineer-taming action hero is suddenly transformed into a relatable, law-abiding suburban husband who is terrified of curfew. 

He looked at the heavily armed SWAT teams, looked at the bullet-pocked ceiling geckoes, and thought, "You know what? This active crime scene is totally under control. I'd better get home before Mariel locks the screen door."

Then came the ultimate stroke of bad luck. Just as Robin was booking his one-man exit carpool, who should happen to be standing by the door but a 130-kilogram, crying, staircase-sprinting international fugitive?

"Then Bato said, 'Buddy, can I hitch a ride with you?' I mean, how could I say no? He didn't have a car, right? Because he was just dropped off earlier by SP Alan's car."

[ THE SENATE RIDE-SHARING LOGS ]
* Passenger 1: Ronald "Bato" Dela Rosa
* Pickup Location: Locked-down Senate (Post-Shootout)
* Drop-off Location: A random spot in Makati
* Driver Note: "Passenger didn't have a car because the Senate 

President's luxury SUV dropped him off earlier. Just helping a carless coworker!"

-The Logic: Robin wants us to believe he acted out of pure, neighborly courtesy. In Robin's mind, Bato Dela Rosa isn't a "Person of Interest" running away from the National Bureau of Investigation. 

He’s just a commuter who forgot his beep card! You can't just leave your buddy stranded at 2:00 AM without a ride, even if that buddy is currently the subject of a global manhunt.

Robin then unfolded his extensive legal training, which he apparently absorbed via osmosis while standing next to Jimmy Bondoc and Alan Peter Cayetano.

"For me, I never ever thought that we were escaping. What was made clear to me by SP Alan Cayetano was that there was no warrant from a local court. The NBI and PNP didn't show us a warrant either."

-The Satire: This is beautiful. If you don't personally see the piece of paper, the crime doesn't exist! It’s the "Peek-a-Boo" Theory of Criminal Jurisprudence. 

Robin’s defense before the NBI is essentially: "Sir, my eyes were closed, and Alan Peter told me everything was fine, so technically, my SUV was just an innocent vessel moving through space."

The climax of Robin's carpool narrative happens on the streets of Makati, where Bato’s mysterious secondary getaway car magically appeared.

"So when we were in Makati, when Bato's car was already there, and he got out of my car, was I supposed to stop him? He said, 'Buddy, my car is there.' I said, 'Alright, buddy, go.'"

-The Affect: You can just picture the scene—the emotional weight, the dramatic camera angle, the classic action-movie bromance. 

Bato slips out of the white SUV into another tinted vehicle like a ghost in the night, and Robin just gives him a thumbs-up and says, "Sige pare, go." 

He didn't ask questions. He didn't think it was weird that a senator was changing vehicles in the middle of the night like a character in The Bourne Identity. He was just glad he could get back to his wife.

Welcome to the Big Leagues, Robin. With this statement, Robin Padilla has officially earned his tenure in traditional Philippine politics. He has shed the rough, loud, clumsy exterior and adopted the smooth, Teflon-coated, "Who, me?" attitude of a seasoned trapo.

He didn't smuggle a fugitive; he provided a carpool. He didn't obstruct justice; he just obeyed his wife. He didn't evade the NBI; he just didn't see the paperwork.

If you ever find yourself driving a wanted individual away from a crime scene at 2:00 AM, just tell the investigators you were operating a free shuttle service for carless colleagues. If it works for the Number One Senator, it can work for anyone!

Should we buy Robin a Grab Driver cap so he can look official the next time he runs a midnight rescue mission, or should we just ask Mariel if she can verify his curfew timestamp for the NBI's official records?