The Hague's Got Talent

 

Welcome back to the season finale of The Hague is Thicker than Water, where the courtroom of the International Criminal Court (ICC) has been transformed into a high-stakes comedy club. Our headliner? Rodrigo "The Punisher" Duterte, who is currently proving that you don't actually need to show up to your own trial to steal the show.

1. The "Invisible Man" Defense

In a stunning display of what Senator Robin Padilla might call "extreme delicadeza," the former President decided to skip the confirmation of charges hearing that began on February 23, 2026.

• The Reason: He claims he is "old, tired, and frail."

• The Twist: This is the same man who once said he’d be "happy to slaughter" millions of addicts and personally "did it" in Davao just to show the boys how it’s done.

• The Diagnosis: His lawyers cited "cognitive impairment," but the ICC judges—evidently not fans of the "I forgot I was a President" defense—ruled him fit to stand trial. It turns out, "selective memory" isn't a recognized legal strategy in the Netherlands.

2. Julian Nicholls: The DJ of Justice

Senior Trial Lawyer Julian Nicholls took the stage not with a gavel, but with a "Greatest Hits" playlist. He spent the opening days spinning tracks from the "Davao Model"—a system Nicholls described as "cracking down on crime by committing the crime of murder."

The Prosecution's Playlist:

• Track 1: "I'll Order Your Execution within 24 Hours" (Remix)

• Track 2: "The King of the World" (Acoustic Unplugged)

• Track 3: "No Apologies, No Excuses" (The B-Side)

As Nicholls played clips of Duterte smirking and bragging about his handiwork, the courtroom felt less like a solemn tribunal and more like a Netflix documentary titled How to Get Renditioned to The Hague and Still Keep Your Fanbase.

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3. The Supporting Cast: The "Co-Perpetrator" Ensemble

Nicholls didn't just stop at the leading man. He dropped the names of the "supporting actors" who allegedly helped build the Davao Death Squad franchise. It’s like a political reunion special nobody wanted:

Role	Name	Current Status
The Enforcer	Bato dela Rosa	Claiming it was all "Party Discipline"
The Sidekick	Bong Go	Busy trying to find the "Exit" sign
The Legal Eagle	Vitaliano Aguirre II	Checking if "selective amnesia" is contagious

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4. The Audacity Award: "Kidnapped and Renditioned"

Duterte’s latest review of his stay in The Hague? He calls it a "kidnapping." Apparently, being arrested by your own government and flown on a private jet to the Netherlands is "flagrant contravention" of his right to stay home and watch Netflix.

He told his supporters, "I am OK, do not worry," while essentially doubling down on his "I’m the one" persona. It’s the ultimate "Cookie Jar" strategy:

1. Get caught.

2. Admit you ate the cookies.

3. Complain that the jar was biased against you.

4. Ask for milk.

Final Verdict: A Tragedy in a Clown Suit

As the hearings conclude this week, the world watches a man who has replaced remorse with "bluster and hyperbole." If the charges are confirmed within the next 60 days, we might see the first Asian former head of state go on full trial.

Duterte seems to believe that as long as you’re charmingly dangerous, the law is just a suggestion—like a speed limit or a "Do Not Enter" sign in the West Philippine Sea.