Mini Me

In this latest installment of “Genetic Engineering for Geopolitics,” we take a look at the most terrifying scientific breakthrough since the invention of sugar-free chocolate: The Duterte Clone Army.

According to Atty. Joel Butuyan, the former President, didn’t just leave behind a legacy; he literally left behind himself.

 Millions of him. It’s a bold claim that suggests the Philippine national budget wasn't just going to infrastructure, but was quietly funding a sprawling, underground laboratory where the primary goal was mass-producing a specific brand of "swagger."

The Science of the "Mini-Me"

Forget the International Criminal Court for a moment. We should be calling the Nobel Prize committee. 

If Butuyan is right, Rodrigo Duterte has achieved what the world’s top geneticists could only dream of: he has successfully converted "peace-loving citizens" into "bloodthirsty disciples" through what we can only assume is a mix of high-frequency late-night monologues and a very potent virus of "impunity."

Imagine the technical specifications of these clones:

• Standard Issue Equipment: One oversized barong, one pair of aviators, and a complete lack of patience for due process.

• Pre-Programmed Phrases: "I will kill you," "My God, I hate drugs," and "Is there any rice left?"

• Special Ability: Can withstand 48 hours of uninterrupted karaoke without losing their voice.

The Hague: Attack of the Clones

As the confirmation of charges hearing unfolds at the ICC in 2026, the atmosphere is tense. 

There is a palpable fear that at any moment, the courtroom doors will burst open and a legion of clones will swarm the judges, not with weapons, but with a series of confusing metaphors about fish and jetskis.

Atty. Butuyan’s warning is clear: these "mini-Dutertes" are everywhere. 

They’re in the Senate, they’re in the Governor’s mansion, and they’re probably at your local Jollibee, aggressively asking for extra gravy. 

The lawyer claims even Filipino expatriates in The Hague have been infected, turning the peaceful streets of the Netherlands into a scene from Resident Evil, but with more finger-pointing.

The "Truth Vaccine"

Butuyan has proposed a solution: a "Truth Vaccine." 

While most vaccines require a needle and a cold storage unit, this one is apparently delivered via "legal testimony." 

It’s an ambitious medical trial. The theory is that if a clone is exposed to enough evidence of "brazen inhumanity," their genetic programming will short-circuit, and they will suddenly remember how to use a turn signal and respect human rights.

"We need to inoculate them!" Butuyan insists. "One dose of 'Exhibit A' and two boosters of 'Witness Testimony' should clear up that bloodthirstiness right away!"

A Dystopian Masterpiece

Whether these clones are literal biological copies or just people who have watched way too many Facebook Live videos, the imagery is undeniably cinematic. 

We are no longer watching a political proceeding; we are watching a sci-fi epic where the protagonist is a mountain of subpoenas and the villain is a metastasizing "virus of impunity."

So, as we wait for the ICC’s decision, keep an eye on your neighbors. 

If you see someone suddenly develop an urge to declare war on an inanimate object or start referring to themselves in the third person as "The Punisher," don't panic. 

They might just be a clone.

(Note: The post is only a satire. Satire - the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity and actions, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.)