What I Feel When I Have A Viral Post

I always wake up not to the sun, nor to the gentle call of responsibility, but to the holy glow of my dashboard.

Before coffee, before brushing my teeth, before remembering my own name, I must consult the Oracle of Metrics.

“Engagement is down,” I whisper, as though announcing a national tragedy.

By breakfast, I have refreshed the page seventeen times—purely for scientific accuracy, of course.

One cannot rush data. Data must be courted. Seduced. Repeatedly tapped with the thumb until it yields different results.

On lean days, when the views trickle in like reluctant guests at a dull party, I descend into a philosophical crisis.

“Am I… irrelevant?” I ask the ceiling, I look up the comment section, and it offers no validation.

I scroll through my own post again, rereading comments with the intensity of a scholar decoding ancient texts:

“Nice 👍”
“First!”
“Pls notice me.”

By noon, the numbers haven’t moved.

I enter what experts might describe as pathological gloom, but what I prefer to call “content recalibration mode.”

This involves staring dramatically out a window and composing captions about resilience.

But then—oh, but then—the miracle occurs.

A post begins to stir.

One share becomes five. Five becomes twenty.

Comments multiply like bacteria in a lab experiment.

Notifications erupt in a symphony of validation.

My posture improves. My skin clears. And I forgive my enemies.

“This,” I declare, “is what the people want.”

I refresh again. And again.

Each increase in views sends my mood soaring to operatic heights.

I am no longer a mere mortal; I am a trend. A movement. Possibly a thought leader, depending on the comment-to-like ratio.

Of course, I remained humble.

Let it be known—I am not boastful. Not arrogant. Not intoxicated by the sweet nectar of algorithmic favor.

No, no.

If I post a screenshot of my analytics, it is purely anthropological. A study. A contribution to the greater understanding of digital ecosystems.

If I mention “insane engagement,” it is merely descriptive. Clinical, even.

If I thank my followers with three consecutive exclamation points, it is not euphoria—it is measured appreciation.

After all, I insist, this is simply how I gauge reception.

Nothing more.

Nothing at all to do with the fact that my entire emotional stability now hinges on whether strangers double-tap a thumbnail at 2:37 PM.

And tomorrow morning, as the sun rises unnoticed, I will once again kneel before the sacred analytics page, whispering my daily prayer:

“Please… just one more share.”