Are You Helping ... or Enabling?

 

The Psychology of Enabling

Question; What makes one an enabler

Answer: Enablers have that natural instinctive drive and longing to be loved and liked that is why they make themselves available whenever somebody needs help. People usually described them as accepting and tolerant ... that is why people flocked to them. They make someone feel they are indispensable ... that they are absolutely necessary and things can not function without them.

Who are the enablers in our midst? They can be a boyfriend or girlfriend, a wife, a husband, a romantic partner, parents, brothers and sisters, or a friend. One common denominator for all of these people is their love for someone who is messing up or who is out of control. And these enablers (bless their souls) take more responsibility for the actions of the stubborn and wayward family member ... more than the person is taking for themselves.

Enablers usually have an all-time high when their self-esteem is inflated ... and have a new lease on life once they show these acts of generosity and kindness. This is the only way their self-worth is nourished when loved ones are rushing to their side making them feel important and relevant and a contributing member of the family. They get some adrenalin rush when they show their ability and capability to help ... and their sense of belonging is given a booster dose.

Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help. In fact, many people who enable others don't even realize what they're doing. Enabling behaviors are also associated with codependent traits - a persistent pattern of behavior that includes suppressing your own needs to meet the needs of others. 

Why do enablers behave in what they do?

The mindset of enablers is to maintain control before the situation gets worse. An enabler doesn't want their loved one to be in murky waters, so they make it a point to invent or make excuses for their behavior before the problem escalates. From the mind of an addicted person whose only thinking is to get their next fix, this is a godsend.

The Enabler Around us

Sa lahat ng ating pagkamali, may mga tao sa ating paligid acting like pompom girls or cheerleaders.  Sila yong mga ENABLERS - to make it blunt - kahit mali yong ginagawa mo sila yong mga knights in shining armour mo who will defend you thru thick and thin. The "enablers" are giving the illusion to you that what you are doing is right kasi feeling mo ... may kakampi ka. Hindi naman sila kakampi kung mali di ba?

Pero huwag ka ... ang iba diyan sulsol lang sulsol dahil gusto lang nilang babagsak ka. Di ba sa mga bisyo ganyan, akala mo kaibigan ... naghahanap lang pala ng karamay. Sira na ang mga buhay nila ... kaya isa kang hangal na naniwala naman. Masakit isipin pero wala silang ni katiting na love sa yo ...  all they want is for you to fail at masakit ding isipin mas mahal mo sila at pinaniwalaan kaysa sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa iyo.

Gatong sila nang gatong ... ano ang pagkaiba nila sa pagiging "kunsintidor"? "Okay lang ang manigarilyo ... wala namang nakatingin." "Manghiram ka ng pera ... keri lang." "Mag-quit ka sa trabaho ... sasabihin ko kailangan mong magpahinga." Sa 24 hours na ikaw ay nakahilata ... sa lagay na yan kailangan mo pang magpahinga?

Places We Visited

I have been to Matamoros and Nuevo Leon in Mexico and I thought what's the use of going to New Mexico? If you have seen one you have seen them all. But here's the catch Mexico is in Mexico and New Mexico is in the USA. So while taking my Board exams in America, our group opted to choose Albuquerque in New Mexico - it is just like hitting two birds with one stone - taking my licensure exam and seeing the city environs for the first time.

Indeed there is a difference. Mexico is the land of extremes ... it has dense rainforests in the south and east, sweeping deserts in the north, and deep canyons at the center. On the other hand, some portions of New Mexico are flat but are rich in pine forests and rugged mountains while other areas are devoid of any water bodies where even cacti struggle to survive.

There is just one place in Albuquerque that I will not forget. It is the Sandia Tramway.  It is the longest aerial tram ride that towers more than 10 thousand feet in the Sandia Mountains. You can almost breathe the fresh mountain air and enjoy awe-inspiring postcard-pretty views while on top of the world.

Definitiion

Why Do You Always Fail?

Why do you always fail? May balat ka ba sa puwet and everything you touch turns cold instead of gold? Was it because noong umulan ng malas ang langit hindi lang kamay ang ginamit mo at kumuha ka pa ng labador? Was it your attitude that nipped success in the bud ... or was it your mindset that poisoned your business relationship and drove good luck away from your doorstep? 

Failures are part of growing up ... and the learning process ... every time you embark on a new business it is okay to fail twice or thrice, but when failures become a habit and bad luck comes haunting you like a curse instead of abundance and blessings you reap scarcity despite adequate preparation and thorough feasibility studies ... where preliminary exploration is done to determine its merits and viability. If you still experience turbulence and air pockets ... it is high time to say CUT ... and examine yourself?

The first obvious sign that you are treading the avenue to failure is your attitude!

1. Are you a person who refuses accountability for your sins of omission and commission? Are you one person who wrestles with admitting you made a mistake or were wrong? These are ominous signs.

2. Are you a person who quickly blames others for your mistakes and puts responsibility, guilt, and liability on their shoulder?

3. Are you a person who gives up easily? Are you, somebody who raises the white flag of surrender when the going gets tough? Are you somebody who makes his hands up at a mere sign of struggle and indecision?

4. Are you a person whose business acumen is leaning towards one-man rule and its tenets? Autocracy and monarchy perhaps? Or dictatorial? Do you believe you are a one-man band... the only person that can make things happen?

5.  Are you a person who gives ears to others' suggestions? Or is the whole business decision totally your own? Do you resent other points of view and perspective?

6. Are you a person whose pride is high and mighty ... who boasts about his achievements when there is none? Do you always exaggerate your empty successes and devaluate someone you believe is a threat to your throne?

7. Are you a person who believes that when money becomes a problem ... the best option is to borrow money and paying interest for the money you loaned is no big deal as it is just a part and parcel of the whole process?

8. Are you a person who has experience in business? Have you at least undergone business administration training ... or are you that person who was placed in a position that is totally alien to you?

Feeling like a failure can be caused by a variety of factors, including unrealistic expectations, comparing oneself to others, experiencing repeated setbacks and struggles, and low self-esteem. It often stems from negative thoughts, negative perceptions, and self-criticism.

Atychiphobia is a fear of failure. It may cause you to put off or avoid any activity or scenario that has the potential for an unsuccessful outcome.

When All You Do Is Dream

Hey guys I am not boasting here.  At this point in your life, you should know by now the difference between someone telling the story of his life ... and someone bragging about his achievements and rubbing it in your face.

Don't belabor and resent somebody who calls a spade a spade and wants to impart his own version of success and how he gets it to work to his advantage. He just wants to encourage you to keep going ... because when you decide that you have to stop and call it quits ... with all certainty... you are knocking at the door of failure.

The truth is I live my life full of disappointments, failures, and a never-ending series of do-overs (doing it over again). I have my own share of ups and downs ... any word resembling the shape and color of total collapse ... I experience it - defeat, frustration, disaster, catastrophe, screw-up, downfall, malfunction, breakdown - you name it ... been there and done that.

I did not have the happiest of childhoods - where money is scarce and far between. I have no experience of being given gadgets for free ... nor do I wear designer clothes to the envy of my friends. Never were my school supply items newly bought from National Bookstore ... year in and year out ... I am always singing the same old refrain - hand me down items coming from well-meaning friends and relatives. As a child, my eyes were opened too early to the harsh realities ... and the usual same old routine needed to be done in the name of survival.

These setbacks did not prevent me from thinking these days would pass and I will show everyone I can be successful too. I daydream a lot of having a good life too - a good motivation to continue and never give up.

Added to the above menu are my being hardworking, desire to succeed,  perseverance, resiliency, common sense, and ardent wish to help my parents and make them proud. They became a sure-fire amalgam that brings all ingredients & condiments into one pot... all in my desire to savor a mouth-watering success story.

In summary (as in the illustration above) I failed a lot of times ... and hard life became my stepping stone to improve the quality of my life. Dreaming is good ... but when all you do is daydream and sleep ... chances are you will fail again.

So don't even wonder ... why failures become a permanent fixture in your life. The answer to your question of why you always fail is staring at you in all its splendor.

The problem is you always ignore the obvious ... and when all indications in your post-mortem evaluation are pointing in your direction ... acknowledge them and make sure you take some corrective and remedial action to rectify the problem.